I was 38 weeks pregnant and was on my way home from my doctor’s appointment. Everything went well, I felt ok, the baby’s heart rate sounded good – everything was on track for the scheduled induction date one week away!
As I drove down the highway, I felt her move and said, “Hi Baby, I’ll see you in one week…I love you so much!” That was at 12:30pm and that would be the last time I would feel her move inside me. As the day went on, I knew something was not right. I hadn’t felt her move in a few hours, so I made a call to a friend telling her I was worried. Around 5pm Brad and I decided to make the drive back up North to check things out.
We headed into the triage room at Avista Hospital and were greeted by my dear friend, Shannon, who just held me and told me everything was going to be ok. I laid down on the bed, thinking to myself, maybe they’ll induce me tonight, maybe we’ll get to see her sooner than we thought. The nurse circled my belly trying to find the heartbeat. Feelings of emptiness, confusion and fear slowly took over my body and mind. “Certainly the machine must have a problem”, that could be the only reason why we heard nothing. The doctor was called in to do an ultrasound, it wasn’t two minutes later she confirmed our worst nightmare. Our baby, our sweet angel, was gone.
Silence. Anger. Confusion.
I was in such shock, I couldn’t even cry, all I kept screaming was, “How is this happening, why is this happening, PLEASE GOD give her back to me!” Over and over and over- I don’t even know if I was making any sense. But it was all that came out, all that I was able to say. Brad was in the bathroom throwing up; our mothers were collapsing on the ground gasping for air, and I was just sitting on that bed repeating the same thing over and over again- PLEASE GOD GIVE HER BACK TO ME.
“Why? That’s what we ask; the truth is we may never be able to know for sure why. But we do know that there is no single ‘should have done’ or ‘could have done’ or ‘did’ or ‘didn’t do’ that would have changed that why. All that love could do was done.”
My doctor gently told me that we could either start the induction process or we could go home and come back. “What? Come back? No, I can’t go home knowing that my baby is not alive inside!” But the alternative- how in the hell could I go through delivering my baby knowing that she wasn’t going to come home with us? I was convinced that it wasn’t possible, that I did not have the strength and courage to go through with this. I remember telling everyone that I wouldn’t make it through this, that I would never ‘heal’ from this, how could I deliver a baby that wasn’t living?
I had been induced to start labor around 10:00pm. As the night continued on and we inched closer and closer to delivery, our AMAZING delivery nurses (Celia, Shannon and Katie) held our hands, hugged our mothers, and gave comfort during a time of so much pain and chaos. They assured me that I did have the strength and courage to do what NO mother should EVER have to do – deliver an Angel!
An Angel is Born
It was November 2nd, 2011 at 6:22am, our Angel, ‘Baby Wright’, was born sleeping. A girl, a beautiful, PERFECT little girl (with a TON of dark hair unlike her older brother Jace), weighing 6.5 lbs. and 19.5 inches long. My labor was short and her delivery was VERY peaceful, emotional, but peaceful.
The next few hours are a blur to me, I remember holding her, crying, telling her how sorry I was, how sorry I was that I couldn’t protect her, that she wasn’t with us.
We left the hospital on a Friday afternoon, we had taken pictures with our daughter, dressed her in a cute outfit, kissed her a million times and said good bye. It was and will be (I pray) the hardest day of my entire life. I was leaving the hospital without the life that Brad and I had created, that I had carried for 9.5 months.
The following days, weeks were crazy. We were mourning the loss of our daughter, planning her service and trying to make life as ‘normal’ as we could for Jace Daniel. Again, a blur…
Our Angel is Named
Brad and I had a ‘list’ of names that we liked, but we hadn’t officially decided on anything for certain, we wanted to wait see what our baby looked like before we chose a name. During my entire pregnancy, we had called her, ‘Baby’, that was our ‘name’ for her during that time.
How do I name a baby that isn’t here? How could I decide on what name ‘fits’ a baby that isn’t alive? Questions I kept saying to myself and others so many times. Her name for 9.5 months was “Baby”, and now we had to decide on a ‘name’ to give her? I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t go down the list and pick one out. I struggled with this for SO long, people kept asking me what her name was, was I going to give my daughter a name?
I had this burning desire and need to name her. Every child needs a name, and although we had named her, “Baby”, I couldn’t go on in life referring to my beautiful daughter as “Baby”. I would wake up in the middle of the night, dreaming of her and what her name was, what she would look like, and simply calling her by “Baby”, haunted me. I ran the ‘names’ on our list over and over in my head, looking at her picture to see which of the ‘top two’ names ‘looked’ like her.
I came home one night and told Brad that I had to talk to him. I sat him down in the kitchen and just started sobbing, telling him that I couldn’t go on anymore not naming our daughter. I told him that a name just kept coming up in my head, a name that only she could have and a name that would be hers forever!
Mackensie Owenn Wright
Angels on Earth
We would not have been able to go through what we did without the love and support of, Jody Elliott, and her team at Avista New Life Center. They gave us LOVE and HOPE! They gave us an experience with our daughter, they gave us resources to use, pictures to cherish, footprints to copy, and hands to hold. They gave us love, support, protection, strength and courage.
Bereavement teams (and family and friends) are the glue that holds parents together during the unimaginable. We were so touched and blessed to have been able to walk through this journey with this amazing team, that we decided we had to honor them in some way. We had to make sure that ALL hospitals are able to provide this support to families going through this journey.
Welcome, the Wishbone Foundation
This Foundation will help to protect labor and delivery teams and help these teams to continue to do the impossible – leading parents through their darkest hour. All proceeds from the Wishbone Foundation will be used to provide training and resources to labor and delivery bereavement teams.
All our love,
Brad and Jianna Wright